Girls who don’t like boys, who don’t like girls
What's the future for love and romance?
Not long ago, I referenced an FT article (also in The Economist) that reported on the rapidly widening political and ideological polarisation between men and women - a global phenomenon. It’s a worrying trend that didn’t seem to get the attention it deserved; one that concerns me - not just as a mother of boys and a girl - but as a woman who met her husband a little later (in my early 30s) and who can acutely recall the panic I felt (normally when inebriated at weddings) that I might never find someone with whom I’d share a life or have the chance of a family.
In short, women are turning ‘left’ and men turning ‘right’… and in significant proportions. This has been put down to multiple factors from women now being more educated and tuning into many more progressive arguments on campus, coupled with a growing contingent of ‘angry young men’ who feel their very real challenges are being swept under the carpet, with many writing-off dating and turning to the increasingly resentful online ‘manosphere’.
(Without wishing to become a bore..) Smartphones and social media are also playing a huge role as habits of usage, content preferences and respective echo chambers vary hugely between the sexes, to say nothing of the in-person interaction-time they limit.
But what does this trend mean for the romantic prospects of our species?
The challenge is, that for right or wrong, most women suffer from ‘hypergamy’: the action of marrying or forming a sexual relationship with a person of a superior sociological or educational background. Female main-breadwinner couples remain rare and ‘trading up’ is apparently in our psychology for innate reasons (as with most mammal species) when choosing potential fathers for offspring. This is a real problem given that soon two women will graduate for every one man with so many young men are now opting out, disappearing into basements on video games. Nearly 60% of 18-25 year olds now report feeling lonely and almost a third of unpartnered men in the UK and US over the age of 20 still live with their parents.
Whilst these trends predominantly affect younger generations, I have noticed a resentment building amongst my professional peers (albeit in whispers) around the current not-another-white-man preference - which of course affects not just their prospects, but the lives of their partners and children. Despite the mutterings, there seems to be a tacit acceptance (at least publicly) of the pendulum needing to swing the other way for a while amongst my generation (X), but it’s perhaps no wonder that there is much less amongst those whose lives and careers are only just getting started.
Having deep, supportive love in a life partner is another much under-appreciated privilege. As a woman who’s enjoyed some professional success, I truly credit my husband (and perpetual cheerleader) with much of it. I think it was possibly the least-feminist statement in Sheryl Sandberg’s girl-boss-power book ‘Lean in’ to acknowledge that the best career decision she ever made was who to marry - which resonated hugely with me.
Recently I saw a clip of Susan Sarandon in a film answering the question ‘why do people get married?’ with the following words:
“Because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet. I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it. All the time. Every day. You’re saying ‘your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.’
Gorgeous words to all blessed with it, but heartbreaking to those without - or perhaps grieving lost-love. I was so lucky to grow up observing how my parents supported and witnessed each others’ lives and with every year that passes with my own co-witness, sharing not only our lives but those of our children, I am more acutely aware of what my mother so devastatingly lost on my father’s early death.
Here’s hoping the dating industry evolves still further in a more human, less superficial direction; that with a reduction in smart-device use, the young rediscover each other in the real-world; and that the battle between the sexes calms and subsides a little recognising the nuance, personal challenges and uniqueness within everyone.
More than anything, I want this love for my children.
Keeping it short this week, as in other news, we got a puppy. Overnight, we’ve become those annoying people that want to talk about, share pictures of and chat to all and any dog-owning stranger about our ‘baby’. We are besotted. A true investment in memories…
