From Toilet Humour to Ted Talks: A Journey
From Toilet Humour to Ted Talks: A Journey
My speech to graduating 18 year olds on friendship, feminism, opportunity and perspective.
Two years ago I was asked to go back to my school to speak to the graduating students and present their awards. After a somewhat nonchalant acceptance, it turned out to be one of the most emotional experiences of my life.
In my business life, I have spoken on global conference stages, on international TV and met with political leaders and titans of industry — but once I’d realised what I’d agreed to, I was consumed by conflicting emotions: Honour- to be considered a successful alumni; Nostalgia- to go back, tread the old halls and feel the Jess-that-was flood back; Fear- to speak in front of some of those old teachers I had so admired. But perhaps most poignantly, Pressure- to digest my journey with a lens on whether any learnings were worthy of sharing with the Snapchat generation. Tough gig.
There are a lot of these speeches around — and from much more luminous, successful people than me — my favourite being the hilarious Tim Minchin’s ‘9 Life Lessons’ or as I term it ‘Opinions are like Arseholes’ speech delivered at AWS. (In fact, stop reading now and just go and spend 15 more productive minutes of your life there).
However… in an effort to build my blog-bank, I thought I’d post it here, partly due to the need for an accessible link to share with those that participated in the toilet anecdote, and partly in the hope there may be a lesson or two in here that might resonate more widely.
My inner philosopher came out — sometimes slightly patronising and preachy in tone, I now realise on re-reading — but as an exercise, it was an invaluable one. I’d love to write one of these every 5 or 10 years and see how my rules and advice would change… as even re-reading this 2 years later, some of these ideas have moved on.
Ahhh to be 18 again! Congratulations to each and every one of you on your recent results and coming to the end of your school years — this is such an exciting time and you have brilliant futures ahead of you.
My school days were amongst the happiest of my life. The friends I made here remain my very best friends today. We live all over the country now. Most of us have children — and we’re all doing such incredibly different things — from special-needs teaching to law; full-time mothers to corporate leaders — but the bond we share remains one of the most precious things in my life today.
Like you, we grew up together. We share the same sense of humour and a similar outlook on life. You’ll make some wonderful friends in the future as you go through life, but none will have the same bond that you have with these girls, from this special space. The memories we have of this old place still have us breathless, weak and crying with laughter.
Last week I whatsapped some of them to request memories that I could share with you and it turned out that very few of them were appropriate. We were a bit naughty, boy-obsessed and pretty juvenile and vulgar in our humour. (Note- we’re much more lady-like these days). So herewith, a few of the cleaner stories:
The time we locked one of our French teachers in the stock cupboard and he was so furious that we were all too scared to let him out for the rest of the lesson — cue worse fury and detentions.
Daring a friend to draw a turd during an inanimate-object art project with the words ‘sniff me’ arising above it (I warned you we were juvenile).
The last clap game in assembly: the butt-clenching competition to see who could clap the last clap after an assembly presentation.
(Admittedly this one is deranged although still makes me giggle), one of us would make violent, pained straining noises inside a closed toilet cubicle just so that the others could enjoy the expressions of shock on the faces of bemused visitors at the sinks.
Playing up on the school bus, swinging in somersaults around the bars, yanking each others’ elasticated skirts down (SO wrong !) and learning how not to flirt with the male video-rental-shop staff from the top deck of a passing bus. (A video rental shop is a place where… oh, never mind)
Oh and the cloakroom actually burnt down when I was here — it was pretty dramatic — giving a more literal definition to the term ‘blazer’
I vividly recall first hearing the internet buzz into life via a noisy modem one day in the IT room. Little was I to know that that moment was the precursor to my professional life.
Which brings me to what I have done since…
My post-school life started with Oxford-University. And I’m still not quite sure how. I was the only person studying History there who got a really-hard-studied-for ‘B’ in history A-level. I was the 6th best at the subject in an A-level class of 6 pupils but the only one who wanted to a) do history b) go to Oxbridge (a lesson in itself once there, that there were many smarter people elsewhere). Luckily, it was the last year of the Oxford entrance exam system; a system that resulted in a 2-E offer if you were accepted post interview. I was told my exam paper was ‘solid, but most uninteresting’ (mortifying at the time, but which I now think is brilliantly astute and succinct feedback) — but it got me the interview. And, it turns out, I’m good at interviews.
After uni and throughout my 20s I had a somewhat chequered CV. I moved into sales and marketing roles at a progression of fast-growth technology businesses in London, never staying anywhere too long. And for a long time, I was a little embarrassed by this CV; it was messy and I worried it said I couldn’t be managed — or perhaps didn’t have sticking power.
But that messy CV took me to fascinating places and brought me into contact with an amazingly diverse array of people, until finally it proved to be gold dust when I was approached by a friend from one of these jobs in 2011 to start a business with him and two others. All the contacts and experience I had, all the knowledge I had accumulated — a little, about a lot of diverse industries— was critical to building a business which went from a pub chat to a global technology business, employing hundreds of staff around the world and held up for some years as one of the most promising UK technology companies globally. Whilst it didn’t continue to follow the same trajectory, it was an immense experience and training ground in entrepreneurialism and I’ve subsequently gone on to advise other businesses and investors, to make some of my own investments and more recently co-found another technology company.
Entrepreneurship has been the most thrilling ride of my life. I love creating something from nothing, driving my own fortunes and meeting some of the most inspiring thinkers, creators and doers in the world today.
For the purpose of this evening, I’ve tried to give some thought to some of the lessons that I’ve learnt along the way, in both my personal and professional lives. I’ve distilled these into 4 distinct themes for you— lessons that I wish someone had invested in me when I was 18.
1) On being a woman.
I am frequently held up in the media and at business events as two rare things 1) a female entrepreneur 2) a woman in tech.
Before the ‘Diversity and Inclusion’ agenda took hold, I had always been dismissive of my sex as a factor in my career or aspirations. I never saw it as a disadvantage as I’d been brought up in the 80s and 90s to believe I could do anything, no doubt partly due to the influence of my parents, but also my education here, where ambition was instilled as default and we were taught that the sky was the limit. (In fact, I now question how far the current narrative of disadvantage might be subconsciously diminishing female ambition).
I realise with hindsight that in many ways, I found my sex an opportunity… as I was able to stand out in a room and take advantage of my minority status. I got invited to more speaking events, nominated for more awards and got more press opportunities than my 30-something male co-founders. But with the increasing noise around diversity initiatives, I, like many, started to give it more considered thought.
There is now huge debate around female diversity — under-representation at senior levels, the enduring funding and pay gaps, the skills/ aptitudes debate — and more recently, the calling-out of predatory behaviour that still exists in many fields — including, apparently, my own (although to be clear, not in my personal experience — which I think, when true, is worth stating for balance, however unfashionable). Many of the byproducts have been positive, such as equal pay laws and more considered, conscious behaviours, but the over-simplicity of the ‘under-representation + pay-gap = discrimination’ argument, obscures a myriad of other questions we could also be discussing from bell curves of male-female interest/ aptitudes or how we define ‘power’ through to the devaluing of motherhood and female-dominated professions in society. Above all, I do not believe we are victims or should be made to feel so by the debate.
We each make our own fortunes and are first and foremost individuals, not representatives of our sex. As with men, we all have as much capacity within us to be bitter, aggressive and/or just plain lazy as we do to be ambitious, courageous and industrious. I don’t buy the victim narrative as I find it unhelpful and reductive. Whilst injustices can and do happen to us all (and occasionally due to our sex — which, if proven, should absolutely be called-out, with the perpetrators exposed and bought to justice) but as a general rule, I just don’t believe that victimhood encourages the right response. The more productive responses to set-back are 1) retrospection and self-improvement as an individual and 2) a steely determination to prove the individual naysayer wrong (note: not necessarily a fair representative of their gender either).
(For more on this theme, see my TedX talk: ‘Is Modern Feminism Starting to Undermine Itself’.)
Having said this, one of the biggest observations I’ve made is that of a confidence gap between the sexes- and whilst I’m not an expert on nature/ nurture to identify how this has come about- I frequently observe its existence.
Women do seem more susceptible than men to imposter syndrome; to second guessing themselves and waiting until they have all the answers or skills before jumping off into the unknown — and I’ve certainly been guilty of that. Indeed, sometimes I’ve wondered whether my fantastic education at this school and at Oxford has been partly to blame. I was used to high achievement (except for that ‘B’), to getting things right and doing things properly and it’s occurred to me that this possibly contributed to a risk-aversion and fear of failure in my 20s that delayed my entrepreneurial endeavours.
My advice for you (and indeed not only to girls, but every young person) is to get comfortable with vocalising your strengths and advertising your ambition. You don’t have to be a big head about it, but never, ever, apologise for it or underplay it.
Be more assertive. Apply for that job where you only meet 40% of the criteria — don’t wait until you hit 80 or 90%. Insist on that pay rise. Embrace the awkward conversations and care less about what people think of you for having them. You can’t please everyone all of the time.
Fake it until you make it — you don’t have to bullshit, but radiating a confidence and belief that you will achieve what you set out to, is frequently self-fulfilling
Get comfortable with risk — and with the messy. Don’t worry that you won’t necessarily know how things will turn out before you start them; throw opportunities to the wall and make things happen- without direct agenda.
And most importantly, invest in others particularly those stuck on a rung because they lack confidence, not necessarily ability. Listen and develop those below you on the ladder, share your experiences and assuage their insecurities. These insecurities are often much bigger barriers than ability or opportunity.
Which leads me to my second theme…
2) The importance of networks
My career to date and the success of every successful, happy person I come into contact with often seems to boil down to one consistently core thing… strength of networks.
You’re sat amidst one right now. These girls and teachers are your first network. Many in this room will go on to do exceptional things and you knew them when they were spotty and geeky! You will always have this school experience in common and a reason to get back in contact with each other. You can continue to influence and enhance each other’s lives long after you’ve left these walls. Keep up your strong friendships, of course — but also use the alumni system and keep checking in on what everyone else is doing — some of the quieter girls in this room will massively surprise you by what they go on to achieve. (It’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch)
Your university years and early jobs will present others. Clubs and sports teams through to all the colleagues, managers, managees, customers, suppliers and other contacts you’ll meet when you start your careers.
Keep these networks up. Invest in them and work karma. Do people favours, make them opportunities and they’ll remember you. Whilst reciprocity shouldn’t be your prime motivator, they will remember and return them — maybe not next week but at some pivotal time.
All of the key opportunities in your life will come from your network… job opportunities, social opportunities or even, in my case — a potential life-partner and father to your children.
And most importantly, ensure they are diverse and varied: actively seek out and cultivate your network of people with different views and politics, different skills, different personality-types…
Which brings me to my next theme
3. Keep out of society’s natural echo chambers.
Most media today — both social and traditional — now self-selects and provides you with a biased sense of the world. It serves you only the viewpoints and validation for the views you already hold. It surrounds you with people like you. In a macro, worrying way, it is partly responsible for the rise in extremism — but in a micro way, it damages you personally, your perception of the world and your ability to effect change.
Don’t be ‘offended’ or seek to shut down opinions and conversations you don’t agree with. Engage with them and most of all, seek to understand them. How can we hope to combat those views we disagree with — or tackle their growth within their own echo chambers unless we discuss them respectfully? Shutting or shouting down opposing views simply entrenches others in those views. None of us can be right all the time, or put another way, arguably we’ve never really ‘right’… we just get progressively less wrong as we open ourselves up to knowledge and new ideas.
Seek out people from different walks of life, different political persuasions, different cultures and societies. Try and understand what it is to walk in their shoes and why they may see this world differently from yourself. You may not ever agree with them, but at the very least you’ll better understand them. (For more on this point — see my TedX interview with Claire Fox: ‘How Offence Culture Stifles Progress’)
Which brings me to my final point:
4. Recognise and embrace that you will not always be happy
We are not preconditioned to be happy all the time and neither should we expect to be. Social media these days can induce us to want to have more, be more — be more beautiful, be more successful, do more exceptional things, be special. I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that this has developed concurrently with a dramatic deterioration in young people’s mental health. Social media has contributed to us all becoming more anxious, self-obsessed and competitive than ever before.
We’re not all special and we certainly can’t be all of the time. Embrace and ride the lows, set-backs and frustrations and recognise that they’re part and parcel of the highs. Indeed, you can’t know what it is to be happy, fulfilled or successful unless you have been unhappy, unfulfilled and have failed, at least some of the time.
Nothing worth having is ever easy to get — not a great body, not a great job, not great relationships — they require hard work. Life is short. Turn off your phone. Spend time with people in person, enjoy art and nature without having to capture it on instagram, capture mental images, rather than snapchatted, filtered ones. Invest in memories. Be in the here and now.
So… I may be in my early 40s, but I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. And I love that. The world is changing so fast and there’s no longer one path, per person, but potentially many.
Of course, some of you may already have chosen to go the very structured path of a doctor, lawyer, dentist etc. But even then, you could still have any number of interesting additional careers in the life ahead of you…
Recent research from the World Bank has revealed that: Over the next decade, more than one billion young people will enter the global labour market and only 40% will be in jobs that currently exist”
Don’t be worried about that. Be excited. You may well create that next 60%.
Keep an open mind to what the future holds and understand that you’ll never really leave education. It’s a life-long pursuit and I believe that the keys to succeeding in this rapidly changing world lie in 1) how you grow and radiate your confidence in your own unique qualities; 2) in the fostering of your life networks; 3) in your curiosity and ability to continually learn, question and understand alternative viewpoints and 4) in your ability to keep perspective, embrace the here and now and focus on what’s really important…
Inhale the small stuff that matters; don’t sweat the small stuff that doesn’t or allow it to sap your energy from the big picture.
I wish you the very best of luck in everything you do.