Born ‘Special’: Why We’re All Narcissists Now...
You are amazing! Special! One of Kind! Awesome! Adored! Believe in yourself! You’ve got this!
The self-belief industry (along with the exclamation mark) is off-the-charts thriving. These days everything is all about soundbite self-empowerment. You-affirming slogans scream from posters on every wall, note-pad and card shop-shelf, t-shirt fronts, instagram grids and out of every music-speaker.
Riffing further on the themes of last week, is it any wonder that there’s been such a decline in mental health in a society that constantly encourages us to look inwards, at ourselves, at how everything makes us feel and to examine what we’re getting (or not) out of any particular situation.
Stoking the ‘cult of me’ is a lucrative business. The ‘inside ourselves’ trends discussed last week is one manifestation, pop culture another with empowerment lyrics woven through so many top pop songs including Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’, David Guetta’s ‘Titanium’ or Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’. Indeed, Taylor Swift has created a one-woman billion dollar industry about her inner monologue affirmations. But perhaps the best examples are the huge growth of ‘life coaching’ and the success of the self-help book genre: self-empowerment through self-empowering others, if you will. You can subtly ‘stop giving a f*ck’ like Mark, embrace the power of Eckhart’s ‘now’, think ‘fast and slow’ like Daniel or adopt either Stephen’s ‘7 highly successful’ or James’ ‘atomic’ habits.
But no, I’m not disparaging coaches or a whole genre of writing. Indeed, as an entrepreneurial gold-digger, maybe I’ll join them. ‘What’s the point of everything?’, along with ‘what’s the point of me?’ are the questions a huge market is currently seeking answers to - perhaps in response to the rise of societal cynicism and nihilism. I have myself benefitted from a wonderful coach and many of these are fantastic books by talented writers distilling wisdom borne of centuries of population-wide insight. But as we move from one concept to the next, perhaps feeling momentarily inspired and motivated, are we actually addressing what has created the underlying issues in our lives? To learn about ‘me, me, me’ is the only place to look ‘someone else, someone else, someone else’?
The more interesting question perhaps being: when does self-esteem tip over into narcissism? Here’s a helpful primer from ‘Psychology Today’ yielded from deep research on page 1 of Google on the difference between the two:
Whereas self-esteem refers to a person's subjective evaluation of their value and worth, narcissism refers to feelings of self-centeredness, self-importance, superiority, grandiosity, and entitlement. A person with high self-esteem thinks, “I am good.” A narcissist thinks, “I am special,” or “I am the best.”
Oh. Too late. Here’s Lizzo to drive the point home:
In case nobody told you today… You're special
In case nobody made you believe (nobody, no, no)... You're special
Well, I will always love you the same…. You're special
Of course, self-belief can be self-fulfilling. Supremely confident people are enviable and impressive, so where’s the harm in infecting more people with that glow of self-belief? If we stop dwelling on our insecurities and believe ourselves capable, we can radiate confidence, which breeds confidence, freeing us to get shit done without the neuroses.
But feelings are not facts. In fact, our feelings are rarely to be trusted… neither the negative, nor positive, I’m afraid. Self-doubts take root and bloom, often when we’re tired, dejected or late at night when we should be sleeping. Over-indulging leads us down a dark tunnel from which it can be hard to gain perspective. But believing unquestionably that we’re awesome could be just as, if not more damaging. I can’t help feeling it provides a superficial pick-me-up at best, an inflated sense of worth at worst… edging us into a narcissistic bitterness and/or blame for our unfulfilled-potential when we don’t feel we’re winning.
The reality is that we are not all born special, uniquely talented or perfect and the more we tell people they are, the more we set them up for disappointment when they realise the truth (particularly if delivered by Simon Cowell). We only become special through our actions, deeds and hard work and if we spend all our time and emotional energy working on ‘self-care’, it inevitably comes at the expense of working on things for the wider world around us - from where much more joy, satisfaction and self-learning typically flows.
We can hack this by telling everyone we care - changing our profile pics to the next cause-du-jour, sharing reels of outrage about injustice - but who really benefits from this? Interestingly, I recently heard from a charity CEO over dinner that their donations had fallen off a cliff due to people’s desire to feel like a good person being sated by public pronouncements now rather than donations. It’s more visible and a great virtue signal to say, ‘Look at me! I’m a good person’.
Self-doubt and reflection is growth. Taking a step or two down the tunnel can be incredibly helpful, enabling us to self-analyse, improve or adapt our strategies to different people or different conditions or to invest in more learning and skills. Not everyone will or should have to fit around us and our ‘unique’ personality or style. Slightly different ‘yous’ are fine and indeed, to be encouraged to bring out the best in others. An extrovert shouldn’t always talk over an introvert; strong opinions shouldn’t drown out weaker-held yet better informed ones; and youth doesn’t trump the life-experience of age. Plus the ‘you’ you’re affirming might not be doing you any favours… for your health - if overweight; for your relationships, if unyielding in your strong opinions of others; or for your career if you can’t take constructive criticism.
A bit is fine, with course correction, beneficial. Just not so much navel-gazing that we get trapped in the mirror and tip into self-obsession.
So, herewith - some proposed new poster slogans - which may in time become chapter headings to my upcoming self-help book ‘You’re not that interesting and that’s fine’
Most people don’t care or give you that much thought at all
Your feelings are not more important than facts
Curiosity killed nothing but bad ideas
Life is not a battle between good people and bad
Dare to say what others are thinking
Boredom is a good thing
Social media rots your brain, read books
Hard work trumps deep introspection
Go for an unplugged walk
The ultimate happiness of giving, not taking
And yes - you can buy many of these anti-slogans on t-shirts here (further evidence of tipsy-induced creativity).
More Antidoters on this topic:
Me, me me. Are we living through a narcissism epidemic? - Zoe Williams, The Guardian
Beneath the Mask of Vulnerable Narcissism - Rob Henderson
The Imposter Syndrome of Narcissism - 3 min clip from Modern Wisdom with Professor W Keith Cambell.